For people who have been in relationship with a partner for a long time, the one thing that can really break the ice is the topic of debt. This can be very uncomfortable for both parties, and it’s not difficult to see why. It’s like being in a small relationship where there is usually a lot of tension and worry over money, but neither party knows how to say no with complete certainty.
In order to overcome this discomfort, you need to be more confident than you are now. You need to be able to admit that you do have some debt, even if it’s only $100 or $200 dollars!
This confession should come after a lot of preparation. You should think carefully about your own values and beliefs about financial responsibility. You should consider your spouse, their goals and their finances before approaching them about debt. Here are some things you should do before confessing your debt:
• Ask yourself whether you really want to talk about this topic – because most people don’t want to talk about it at all.
• Think of your partner who has probably been part of your life for years – her or his best intentions might not match yours.
• Make sure your partner knows what the worst case scenario would be – if you told them directly, they could find out which day they would lose their job if you couldn’t pay them money (no one wants that!) – or maybe their car would break down if they couldn’t afford repairs (no one wants that!).
• Consider how much money it is likely they’ll lose – maybe they will get sick in order to avoid going bankrupt (and might even die before paying off the debt) so that they won’t have any more money left over than what they owe right now!
Once these items are taken into consideration, prepare yourself for what happens next:
• Say something like: “I know I haven’t always been good with money management – I cut my expenses way too low – but I’m trying my very best now.” Then give an example of how something like an iPhone helps you achieve what you want from life without having to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes every year (because guys don’t dress as well as girls).
• If possible go back through your list of debts (the list needs to be long enough so that when she or he says “I” we can see at least 6
The conversation:
Credit is a tool for the poor, who do not have enough money to pay what they owe. If you have too much debt, it’s a sign that you are born into poverty. And if you are born into poverty, it means your life is over.
The above is from the “Debt” chapter in Nelson Mandela’s autobiography Long Walk to Freedom (this is a great book).
Remaining positive:
Talking to your spouse is a difficult conversation. It requires a lot of preparation and forethought. And if you’re honest, it will be even more challenging (and potentially painful) than confessing your own sin. Even though you’ll be able to minimize the fallout, there are still some things that need to be said in order for the conversation to go well.
Frequently, this comes down to what you can do for your partner now. As I’ve mentioned before here , it is important not to let your debt burden on you and make it impossible for you to be financially independent from her or him. That means helping them manage their money responsibly (don’t use credit cards until they have some cash flow), giving them more autonomy over their personal finances so that they don’t have to answer for their actions as much, etc.
On a similar note, it is also not just about how much or how little you owe but how much of your partner’s income goes towards paying off this debt. This might seem obvious but having a conversation about this upfront will help you avoid problems later on when they start applying some of that extra money towards the debt instead of spending on other living expenses (or saving).
If someone is suddenly earning more money than previously expected, she or he may temporarily feel like they can pay off their debt faster than previously thought and begin spending again at a faster rate. If so, they may decide they want her or him back into the ‘house’ sooner rather than later; however, if this person intends on staying in the house longer than initially thought (e.g., because she has children), then this person should start paying more from her or his income towards paying off the debt rather than letting her or him live an extra year through this increased income without any extra cost for him/herself beyond rent/insurance payments/mortgage payment(s). In other words: If someone takes advantage of an unexpected windfall and decides that he wants his former home back as soon as possible rather than being content with living in a new place until he has paid off his debt (without making any sacrifices like cutting corners elsewhere), then he should work harder at keeping everything in order after receiving the money while he still has free reign over his finances; otherwise, given his sudden increase in income, he may find himself back into debt sooner rather than later unless he keeps working hard at paying cash — even if it
Proving you’re in control:
A couple with no debt and a lot of time, money and love to give can be very happy. But they probably will feel guilty if they have to admit that they are not as rich as they could have been if they had saved more money. They’ll want to prove that you’re in control, but the only way you can do this is by keeping your debt-free status for a long time.
Saving for retirement or other goals is one thing — it can certainly be fun (and it’s important), but the only way for people to afford those things is by saving a lot of money over time. With little or no debt, there is less scope for this saving; and when your spouse has the same goal, they will feel much more comfortable with you wanting to save more than if you have financial freedom.
So the first step towards proving you’re in control: don’t spend your money until you are debt-free again.
Asking for support:
This is an advice piece from the author of a popular finance site, but it’s also a topic that is pertinent for us as a small indie developer.
Following on from the previous topic, I wanted to share some recent thoughts on how to approach debt counselling. I think this is one area where the advice given in most books and blogs is not entirely helpful. It’s important to know that giving advice is really hard and not just because you are someone who knows what they want to do. Also, having said that I think it’s important to be aware of common pitfalls when giving advice (readers can get too excited about a solution even though they don’t fully understand it) so here are some tips:
1. Don’t make your goals dependent on your spouse
As much as we want our partner to help us out financially, we should realise that we need to take responsibility for our own financial progress. This means asking for help when we have no money left, no savings and have been unable to pay bills for months — when you can offer support in return for it (without getting into debt yourself), you will be less likely to need money from your partner in the future (or even make promises you can’t keep). This also means being willing and able to say “I don’t want anything from you right now; I just need help paying rent like everyone else. Please help me out with this one thing right now and then we can look at other things once I have more savings/time/money etc.).
2. Be honest about the problem
Don’t just say “I cannot pay the rent because my partner didn’t give me any money last month so we cannot afford it anymore!” Understand why you haven’t been able to pay the rent recently and try negotiating with your partner about this problem instead of making them feel guilty or angry at them – if they know why they haven’t been able to pay their rent then they may be more likely to solve it (and if not, well, at least no conflict).
3. Don’t expect immediate results – stick with it! Remember that this is not going to be easy – there are lots of moving parts involved – but if you stick with your conversation over time then gradually build up trust and understanding between you two; eventually both of you might feel like saying nothing at all! And that’s OK – while people
It is an old adage: “It’s better to be lucky than good.” That is, it takes a lot of talent and luck to make something worthwhile, and even luckier still to make something truly great. And in the case of your startup, you could say that you are lucky; that you are good enough, you have the right people around you working on the right things, and you have a great product. But in order to reach greatness, it all comes down to how well you communicate your value proposition – what this means is that if your values don’t match up with their values (e.g., “We value simplicity over complexity”), there is a good chance your product won’t align with their values either (e.g., “Authenticity is our priority; we value effectiveness over authenticity”).
If your values don’t match up with theirs (and if they don’t have people around them who are also interested in this sort of thing) then the chances are high that you will struggle for traction on launch day (and get stuck in the first 30 days; this should be a top priority!). If they believe your values don’t make sense for their needs or goals (again, if they don’t have people working on this kind of thing too) then it might be worth considering other options.
If nothing else we can all agree that getting started was difficult enough without having to explain what we do or why we do it!